Painful Memories
by ChaoticDragon22
Summary: Caution! If you love Thunderclan, you may not want to read this. It's just a little depressing songfic I made. Inspired by the song Viva la Vida


**This is my first songfic, so it may not be too good  
**

Strong… fearless… Proud… Thunderclan was once all of these under Bluestar's command. And for a short moment, under Firestar's… But it soon came to an end when he began inviting those kittypets and loners into the clan. The warrior code had been violated… and now, the four clans lie in a horrible mess! All thanks to the Thunderclan leader who was now on his ninth life! Hated by just about every clan cat around the lake! And so here are the last few moments of his life…

______________________________________________________________________________

The Thunderclan leader, Firestar, woke up when the light of dawn was just appearing in the sky. He looked over at the spot where his mate, Sandstorm, used to sleep. She was not beside him when he woke up nowadays, due to a battle with Windclan many moons ago, where he had lost his eighth life.

Tears came to his eyes as a voice spoke in his mind._ Fool! It's your fault she died and yet you do nothing, Nothing at all! _This voice always taunted and questioned Firestar, making him feel hopeless. He felt pain now, nothing but grief and pain. He had ruined the clans and yet he just lay there, doing nothing at all…

Firestar couldn't stand being alone anymore. Negative thoughts seemed to fill his mind every moment. He slowly got up and stood there for a moment, remembering the days when his life had been easy, when he was able to sleep without having nightmares of the past over and over again. He walked out on to the highledge and looked at his clan. Half of it had either left or been killed, and the few who were left cast him such hostile looks that he thought that they may actually attempt to kill him. He could feel them all staring at him, burning holes into his pelt. He just couldn't stand it anymore.

_I used to rule the world  
Seas would rise when I gave the word  
Now in the morning I sleep alone  
Sweep the streets I used to own_

Firestar leapt down from the highledge and looked at everyone sadly. How could he help them, when all they gave him were hostile looks? Even Cloudtail, his own kin, did not respect him. Firestar couldn't face them right now. He turned towards the thorn tunnel and ran. Past Squirrelflight, who looked at him like he was just a shadow, and into the forest. The only thing he could do now was run, as if trying to get away from the sadness that stalked him through time.

_You are weak!_ The voice said. _The leader of a clan should be able to face his greatest fears without backing away!_

_I can't! _He screamed in his mind. _Everything is lost to me… I have no reason to…_He slowed as he neared the silent training area, save for the birds and other creatures who he had scared that were now sending out warning calls. Firestar could still remember when he and Graystripe would practice back at the forest. Or when he had killed Scourge and seen the disbelief in his eyes. They were all such painful memories, and they did nothing for him. He saw no joy in his life, for he was a failure… everything he had done… had protected… and loved… It had all been nothing in the end.

_I used to roll the dice  
Feel the fear in my enemy's eyes  
Listen as the crowd would sing  
"Now the old king is dead! Long live the king!"_

The memories just wouldn't stop coming! No matter where he went, he was sure that they would follow. So he turned and ran once again. He did not care where he went, he just wanted to escape the pain.

_Where can I go?_ He thought_. Is there no way to escape this pain I feel?_ And so he ran on, soon reaching the old twoleg path and running along it. Trees and other plants flashed past him as he tried so desperately to escape what he could not. The path was overgrown and cracked as he yet again slowed his pace to look at the place where he had lost a life when greencough almost destroyed Thunderclan… The old twoleg nest. He had been brave back then, but now he was a coward, trying to run from his pain and mistakes. Was there really anywhere he could go?

_One minute I held the key  
Next the walls were closed on me  
And I discovered that my castles stand  
Upon pillars of salt, and pillars of sand_

Firestar walked through the garden, which was now dead due to the harsh temperatures of leaf-bare. When he reached the entrance, the stench of the sickness that had occupied the place was almost gone.

_You were brave back then, so why aren't you now?_ He heard the voice once again_._

_I thought I had been doing the right thing… but now I realize that I was wrong…_ Firestar never wanted to remember the past again. It pained him so much, and yet he couldn't stop thinking about it. The time when he and Graystripe had to bring Windclan back to the forest, or when he had become deputy. If only things could be like that again…

_I hear Jerusalem bells a ringing  
Roman Cavalry choirs are singing  
Be my mirror, my sword and shield  
My missionaries in a foreign_

_For some reason I can't explain  
Once you go there was never  
Never an honest word  
And that was when I ruled the world_

Firestar stood at the entrance to the twoleg nest. He felt lost without Sandstorm. She was in Starclan now… _Starclan…_ Firestar hated his life now, for there was no reason in it. He lived without a purpose. He wanted to be with Sandstorm more than anything.

Firestar turned and started towards the Windclan border. As he continued walking, he felt something that actually wasn't painful. Happiness! He had almost forgotten what it felt like. Now, he was running at full speed through the trees, occasionally running through some brambles and catching his fur on the sharp thorns.

_It was the wicked and wild wind  
Blew down the doors to let me in  
Shattered windows and the sound of drums  
People couldn't believe what I'd become_

_Revolutionaries wait  
For my head on a silver plate  
Just a puppet on a lonely string  
Oh who would ever want to be king?_

The Thunderclan leader was now nearing the Windclan border. Images flashed before his eyes. Tigerstar and his ambitions, Scourge and death he brought with him, and Sandstorm… the one he loved. He was coming now. The forest began to thin as Firestar ran past the barrier. He was going to Starclan, where Sandstorm waited. Firestar ran out from the cover of the trees and scanned the area. No patrols were in sight.

_Like it matters anyway_. He thought. He did not care to be seen at the moment. He rushed off in the direction of the cliffs, where Jayfeather had once fallen in and almost drowned.

_I hear Jerusalem bells a ringing  
Roman Cavalry choirs are singing  
Be my mirror, my sword and shield  
My missionaries in a foreign field_

_For some reason I can't explain  
I know Saint Peter won't call my name  
Never an honest word  
But that was when I ruled the world_

Firestar was standing at the edge of the cliff when doubts pricked at his mind.

_Do you really want this?_

Firestar hesitated before he answered. _Yes._

_But what about Leafpool and Jayfeather?_

Firestar had forgotten about them. His medicine cats had been the only ones to still believe in him. He would be leaving them behind if he killed himself. _I'm sure they will be fine without me. I won't be able to help them either way…_

_I hear Jerusalem bells a ringing  
Roman Cavalry choirs are singing  
Be my mirror, my sword and shield  
My missionaries in a foreign field_

Voices were heard in the distance as Firestar stood on the cliff. The water level had dramatically dropped in the lake, and the ground could be seen just below the surface of the water. _What if Starclan doesn't accept me?_ He asked himself. He wanted to be with Sandstorm, but how could he if he didn't go to Starclan? And if he didn't, where would he go?

The voices were approaching quickly, and if he didn't jump soon, the Windclan cats would kill him themselves. Firestar stood there, debating with himself whether he should die or not. But finally, just as the patrol was almost upon him, he jumped.

_I'm coming, Sandstorm…_

Firestar's lives flashed before his eyes. From when he had first snuck out of his owner's nest to where he was right now, falling towards the water. Every emotion he could think of was in these memories. Firestar closed his eyes tight as he smiled one last time before leaving the world that seemed so difficult to pass at times.

_For some reason I can't explain  
I know Saint Peter won't call my name  
Never an honest word  
But that was when I ruled the world…_


End file.
